TO WIN OR TO WIN

We recently took our four year old to a friend’s soccer game to introduce her to the sport and show support for her friend. It was the end of the season the last game of the year, trophy day. While we were watching I noticed that our daughter didn’t look too happy. In fact she had a sad look on her face and seemed a little wilted. I asked her what was bothering her and she would not answer. So, I started to gently inquire with various questions about what she was thinking. I immediately thought maybe she felt left out. When I suggested to her that she can play soccer next season she immediately tensed up and said she did not want to play. In typical parent fashion I responded with “Come on, it’ll be fun and look at all of the new friends you will make.” After some more prodding and coaxing to get her to talk to me she finally confessed that she was afraid. I immediately thought she was scared of getting hurt but after more inquisitive conversation she finally came out and said what was on her mind. She said “I’m afraid I won’t win.” At that particular moment I was struck with fear myself. Have we done something to emphasis that winning is all important and that if you don’t win somehow you are not good enough? Worse yet, if you think you cannot win, don’t participate? I had heard plenty of parents urging their kids to do well and the occasional extra prize for making a goal, but I didn't stop to think that the emphasis on winning was overshadowing the fun factor. Now, we are talking about four year-old kids kicking a ball around a grass field. I saw lots of smiling faces out there. But I also saw seriousness and frustration.

I suddenly found myself caught between psycho-analyzing myself and attempting to reassure my daughter that winning isn’t everything. I looked around suddenly feeling like I was being watched and blurted out the words “It’s not whether you win or lose its how you play the game.” I really am turning into my parents, repeating things to my kids that my parents said to me. I reassured my daughter that the most important thing is to participate, have fun and play by the rules. Only being four years old I’m not sure she followed but I realized that this is a critical time for her to learn the qualities of team sports and the real purpose of working together for a common goal. Having fun is probably the most important part of all but if the emphasis is on winning then the fun can get dissolved pretty quick under the pressure. Especially if winning is an expectation set up by the parents. The last thing your child wants is to disappoint you.

I was not a child athlete myself but I remember by brother's involvement in little league and my parents constant complaining about how competitive the other parents were. I remember the emphasis on winning and the arguments and fights on the field, between the parents! The whole experience left me with an avoidance of organized sports for kids. But as an adult, now having a child of my own, I have become aware of how important it is for kids to learn team work, good practice, commitment and discipline. Organized sports is a great avenue for just that. But it takes positive parent involvement to be really effective. While winning may be the point of playing the game on the surface, playing the game well and having fun seems to me to be the underlying message that must be transmitted to the kids. If the emphasis on winning is so great that it overshadows the importance of participation and having fun, fear of not winning may undermine the motivation to play sports or even to try altogether. Joel Fish in his book, 101 Ways to Be a Terrific Sports Parent : Making Athletics a Positive Experience for Your Child, emphasises the importance of communicating to your child that you love them win or lose. I found this book to be a great read and offers valuable information and insight for any parent with kids in sports. Your child needs to know that you love and support them even if they don't win. Set your level of expectation on performance, effort and how they play the game. Win or not they can be assured that you will be proud of them for their effort, discipline and sportsmanship.

A few days after the soccer game I reassured my daughter that I loved her for how she participates in her activities and how proud I am of how well she plays by the rules and has fun with her friends. Maybe with enough reassurance, by the time she starts in the next soccer league season, she will be ready to have fun, win or lose.